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xerinmichellexAnd so this is how it's going to be, Vampire Diaries? You are going to be awesome one week and then not so much the next? Okay, maybe I'm judging you too harshly. Perhaps the wow factor of Supernatural right afterwards dulled your shine. It's not your fault that Supernatural had an awesome revelation (one I had been praying would happen since last season). You were having an off-night.
I hate to break it to you, VD, but you don't have the luxury to have an off-night. You're the new kid on the block. You've got a lot to prove. No more sliding.
Last night's episode is what I like to call, "let's throw plot points from the first two books at the audience and see what sticks to the kitchen wall." It was an interesting night. I'll leave it at that:
Previous Episode
Previously on this vampire fest, Bonnie predicted doom, Jeremy is still a boy, Aunt Jenna is carrying the teen angst for Elena, Elena and Stefan kissed as The Comet of Doom! sailed over their heads to bring good karma their relationship (yeah, right!), and Damon bit Caroline in thethigh my mistake, it was her neck. I'm beginning to think the whole scene was dirtier in my mind than on TV...
Ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and think, "Maybe I shouldn't have invited that guy who mysteriously showed up next to my car, and who has a penchant for biting really hard, into my bedroom? Y’know, the guy sleeping right next to, bare chest and all."
Caroline's having one of those mornings when she wakes to a really nasty hickey on her neck and one of the Salvatore vampire bros sleeping next to her. The events of the evening flood back into her mind, making her act like any sensible girl. She's going to try and sneak out of the room quietly. Caroline does pretty well, until that noisy doorknob in her bedroom slows her down and wakes Damon up. I'll give Caroline credit for trying to defend herself with her lamp. Course, we're dealing with vampires here, and it isn't long before Damon's fangs come out and he goes to finish what he started.
While Damon has his breakfast, all the other Mystic Falls kiddies are at school. Bonnie is trying to tell Elena that Stefan is bad news ("bad, bad" as she puts it) and Elena needs to take the relationship slow. Elena's eyes go all funny at the news Stefan's a bad boy. Not the best plan of attack, Bonnie dear. Especially when Elena tells her that Stefan is her shining light and has made her want to be the Elena Gilbert she was before her parents' deaths. Please, please tell me it has to do with ruling the school as uber-Popular Girl.
Elena's love life may be taking off, but the Littlest Gilbert still cannot get a break. Vicki rubs even more salt into the wounds by pulling the "Let's be friends" approach with Jeremy. That'll give him a reason to drink tonight. "Were you sleeping with me for the drugs?" Based on the look that's on Vicki's faces, I would say yes, Jeremy. Yes she was.
Caroline hasn't shown up to school or answered her phone, making Bonnie worried. (I vote for draining the lake, who's with me?) Bonnie can have visions about a black crow, and yet, when it comes to her friends, she can't figure out that something's eating them. Go figure. Stefan is too concerned with Bonnie not liking him to worry about Caroline’s disappearance. Elena decides to settle the issue Bonnie has with Stefan and invites Stefan over for dinner with her and Bonnie. There's a moment where I expect Stefan to say that he doesn’t eat. It's cut off by Tyler being a dick and chucking a football at the back of Stefan's back of the head. If you thought the slo-speed of the True Blood vampires was a bad use of CGI, a hovering football as Stefan whips around to catch it, is not that much better.
Elena missed the dazzling show of lame special effects and tells Stefan he should join the school's football team. Yeah...running around other humans with the permission to tackle and hit them is not the greatest idea in the world for your vampire boyfriend, Elena. I understand you want everyone to get along. I just don't think your firing on all cylinders by making your current boyfriend try out for the football team your recent ex-boyfriend and his jerkwad friend is on. Tyler did try--and failed miserably--to chuck a ball at Stefan a couple minutes ago.
Elena isn't giving up. She badgers Stefan in History class about joining the team. Stefan: "I can't...I'm a loner..." You're weird too, Stefan, because Mr. Tanner--unamused with Elena and Stefan's football pow-wow--challenges Stefan to a Historical Date-Off! Let the games begin!
Mr. Tanner: When was the Kennedy Assassination?
Stefan: 1963
Mr. Tanner: D-Day?
Stefan: 1944
Mr. Tanner: The War of 1812?
Stefan: ... 1812?
Mr. Tanner: When did Bram Stoker first publish Dracula?
Stefan: 1897
Mr. Tanner: The end of the Korean War?
Stefan: 1953
Mr. Tanner: Aha! Wrong, loser! It ended in 1952!
Stefan: No, you're wrong, now get out of my face!
Mr. Tanner: is totally wrong Gah! The Korean War gets me every time!
After school, we find out why Elena wanted Stefan to join the football team. She's a cheerleader! That would make Stefan and Elena the football jock and cheerleader girl couple, ruling the school and looking down at all the other plebeians. Maybe I was wrong about Elena and she truly does have dreams of being Ms. Popular. Bonnie's happiness to see Elena at cheerleading practice is short lived, after Elena says she's planning a dinner for Bonnie to get to know Stefan. The bad feeling she got from Stefan last week--which she's yet to share with the entire class--makes Bonnie non-too eager to share any space with Stefan. Could she possibly know what Stefan is? Also, Where in the World is Caroline? is still going strong.
And how's our favorite animal sucker after his daunting task of pawning Mr. Tanner in front of all his students? Why, Stefan's all bushy tailed and wide eyed and...wants to join the football team? Deploy double take.
Zoinks! We're actually going to follow a plot moment from the novels? A tiny one with a completely different set-up--because Stefan only joined the football team to avoid Elena in the book, since she reminded him too much of Katherine (Woe!) and he couldn't deal with it, and he was just looking to get away from her. Look, I'm not going to complain. At this point, I'll take what I can get if it means The Vampire Diaries is going to try and follow its book series. So, he wants to join the Timberwolves to impress Elena? Big deal. He’s pissing off Mr. Tanner in the process. Yes, kids, the cruel Gods of Irony (or Gods of Pure Entertainment Value) have struck again and the asshat History teacher Stefan just showed up in class happens to be the football coach. Mr. Tanner allows Stefan try out, though. He is all for seeing Stefan get knocked on his ass. So is Tyler...
Finally, Caroline shows up. ("Call off the search in the woods! We've found her!") Caroline comes rolling in...with Damon...in his spiffy Mustang. Showing no signs of vamping, Caroline struts in as head cheerleader. "I got the other brother. I hope you don't mind." She's also sporting a new scarf from the Vampire Bangers 2009 Fall collection around her neck. I wish I was kidding; but it is sort of awesome in its lameness.
Elena's distracted from Caroline's chic scarf because Stefan's taking the field. Not surprisingly, Stefan rules on the field. Glee needed a fancy kicker for their sucky football team; Mystic Falls needed a vampire. It's like designated Improve Your High School's Football Team week. Although, Stefan isn't so indestructible as Tyler makes an alpha dog move and tackles Stefan down to the ground. Mid-air, I might add. Tyler manages to dislocate Stefan's pinky--a minor inconvenience when you're a vampire. Matt offers a partial mea culpa to Stefan. What is it with men and bonding through beating the crap out of each other? We girls don't become best friends over the half price bin at Victoria's Secret. It is every woman for herself in there. And there's a hell of a lot more tackling and hair pulling and scratching going on.
After a rousing game of tackle football, the last thing Stefan needs is Damon drama. So...that's what he gets when he comes home! Stefan walks into his room to find Damon reading hisdiary journal. To fuck with him even more, Damon talks about going straight. "If you want to live a normal, happy human life, then I want that for you. And maybe I can too...Maybe there's hope for both of us." Damon's poker face isn't great, so his "start over" message only lasts a minute. It's waning thin, Damon. Paper thin. I'm going to revoke your awesome card I gave you last week if you don't start doing stuff.
At Elena's house, Aunt Jenna's off doing college...stuff and won't be seen in this episode. Yay, no parental angst this week! Bonnie gives us psychic angst by telling Elena about her prowess for predicting commercials. Her psychic-ness is also on full display as she plays the What's Behind Drawer Number One? home game. Oh! It's the serving spoon Elena was looking for. It doesn’t end there. Bonnie's obsessed with numbers: 8, 14, 22. What could they be? This week's lotto numbers? The date Katherine died? The combination to Stefan's lock on his locker? It's like a low end version of Lost's mystical numbers.
Aaaand...the awkward dinner is underway! Stefan made the football team (shocker!). Elena's thrilled, Bonnie's not impressed. What can we do to spice this up? I know, I know! Let's make it even more awkward by bringing up Bonnie's psychic abilities. Stefan's apparently read the books and tries to bring up the Celtic Druids to explain Bonnie's possible lineage. Bonnie has not read the books, and claims her abilities come from the Salem witches. It could be even more awkward than it already is, but Stefan attempts to retract his earlier Druids statement by talking about the Salem witches. "Salem witches are heroic examples of individualism and nonconformity." Bonnie's smitten, Elena thinks the dinner is the best idea she's ever had, and Stefan silently congratulates himself on pulling that Salem witch crap out of his ass.
The night's going so well, nothing can ruin it! Except for Caroline shows up on Elena's doorstep with a desert. Oh, and with Damon, too. The night's about to get even more awkward...
First though, Elena needs to invite Damon in. Stefan does his best to maneuver around that. It’s in that "oh, so subtle" way nobody understands and Elena invites Damon in. I'm gonna guess that the Gilbert house isn't mostly rebuilt from the Civil War with the living room and Elena's room being the only remains of the original house; thus making the house technically two houses that Damon needed to be invited into. Pity, because I really liked that loophole in the book.
Well, if it was true, that little gag won't pay off, as we come to unpleasant scene in the living room between Elena, Stefan, Damon, Bonnie, and Caroline. It's a shame Jeremy drank all the alcohol in the house. Everyone looks like they could use a stiff drink. Caroline tries to break the tension by talking about her role as Head Cheerleader and the power she beholds. Both Stefan and Damon roll their eyes at Caroline's "super ability" to move Elena to the back of the cheerleader formation. Damon, get a hand on your girl before Elena claws her eyes out.
Damon finally does get a hold on Caroline...and brings up his and Stefan's past. "Stefan and I have watched every single person we care about die." Well, that's a smooth move, Damon. Could this have anything to do with Katherine? It does, as her name is invoked shortly after. It's Awkward Night at the Gilbert's!
We're given a quick break and join Jeremy at The Grove, drinking his liquor through a straw. Not getting all his anger out at football practice, Tyler tries to instigate a fight with Jeremy about Vicki. It doesn't go anywhere. I'm at the point of yelling at the television to stop this territory dance and have one of them already drag Vicki by her hair to their cave. Matt is on my side, and reams Vicki out for being a major ho-bag.
Back at Chez Gilbert, Damon corners Elena in the kitchen after playing Quick Hands McCool with the glass cup. Um, Stefan? You're really going to let your demonic brother talk to your girlfriend in the back of the house in private. I'm just sayin', Edward might not be on the football team (did Forks even have a football team?), but he always knew where his girlfriend is. AT ALL TIMES! I relax once Damon spoils any kitchen action with bringing up Katherine. Yes, she was the one he referred to as dying and Elena asks how. Damon claims she died in the fire. I hope he means "fire" as in the great big ball of fire that's called the sun. Don't not mess around with Katherine's death, Kevin Williamson. That is the ONE thing I will not--nor will many fans of the books I believe--tolerate.
Damon's pressing his luck with bringing up Katherine at every chance he gets, because Elena throws it back in his face. "So, which one of you [Stefan and Damon] dated her first?" Oh, snap! With the Katherine ship sunk, Damon moves on to coaxing Elena to drop cheerleading. I guess Damon doesn't want Elena and Stefan to rule the school...perhaps? Damon calls it a lost cause, that it isn't her. No, Damon, I think you're thinking of sexy, selfish Katherine. Katherine and Elena had a resemblance, but they are two different people. Or, did you read the books, too, Damon, and you know Elena the Cheerleader is wrong? Whatever the reason, Damon's pushing Elena to quit because she looked miserable. Elena's still trying to make her life restart to before her parents died, "Some things could matter again." One upping him again, Elena hits Damon hard when she tells him he lost Katherine with Stefan. Elena, I like your proactive, taking shit for no one motif you got going on. But, word of advice, do not piss off the vampire that likes eating humans. Thankfully, before the situation can go from bad to worse, Bonnie comes in.
In the living room, Stefan and Caroline are bonding over the Elena and Matt relationship. Stefan artfully shifts the focus onto Caroline. See, opposite of Caroline's best friends, Stefan notices that Caroline is modeling a scarf from the Vampire Boyfriends collection and brings it up. Caroline's flimsy excuse is that she has to wear it, she can't take it off, for some reason. As Stefan goes to yank it off, bad timing Damon comes in to make sure his mind freak on Caroline is still holding up. He mind freaks Caroline into going to help Elena in the kitchen so the two bros can talk. This should go well.
"They are people, Damon. She's not a puppet!" Stefan, you are losing credibility here. You did, after all, mind freak Vicki in the hospital last week. Why, you've got the same flexible morals as Zach. In the course of the conversation, we learn Damon has a cheerleader fetish as he often refers to Elena as "Cheerleader" a few times. Oh, I see what you're doing, VD producers. You're showing that Damon only sees Elena as an object, compared to Stefan's true love for her. Bravo! It still doesn't make up for the plot changes.
Since Damon now has an open invitation to Elena's house, Stefan steps up his protection of Elena by spending the night. Oh, hot make out session. Oh, Elena's sporting the White Bra of Virtue to symbolize her pureness. You know, Paul Wesley's abs haven't been seen at all during this episode. Let's fix this. Oh, my god! VD stole a move from The Craft by swiping out Stefan's face for Damon's! Ahhh! screams Elena, and the whole thing dissolves into reality. Yes, folks, it was a dream (like I totally called last week). There is, however, a level of concern that shouldn’t go unchecked. Elena is stumbling around her room and that damn black crow omen is hanging outside an open window.
Quick body check after the break. Elena appears to have no bite marks on her. I don't know what's going on underneath the bath towel, though. Maybe Damon bit her on the thigh? Aside from the weird dream she had, Elena has to answer another and more dire question: To cheer or not to cheer?
What does Stefan do to get ready for the big game. He emo-plodes. "There must be a shred of humanity left inside my brother. I keep hoping, but how do I make him see it?" Stefan, nooooo! Step away from the journal!
Pep Rally, ahoy! (I do not miss high school one bit, I'm telling you.) Elena crushes the dream Stefan has of being the classical and normal jock-cheerleader couple, by announcing she's quit the cheerleading squad. Apparently that Stefan-Damon dream last night messed her up. Stefan's all whatever and "Hey, look I was wondering if you'd wear this." Whoa, whoa, let's not get too hasty Stefan. Proposing to Elena to starve off Damon didn't work too well in the books. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You've only known the girl a couple weeks. No, stop with your "It's all for you!" spins, Stefan. Do not give Elena an engagement...necklace? Oh, it's a necklace. I'm sure Elena would’ve been fine with a class ring from 1960 when you were a high schooler then. But, sure, a necklace is okay.
Stefan presents Elena an antique looking necklace. Is it Katherine's Gem of Amara necklace? Does it mean something more lies ahead for our two love birds? Will Damon be pissed? Elena notices a herbal smell coming out of the necklace. It's called "Ode de Fishy", Elena, and Stefan's reeking of it. With what seems to be his only important duty of the day, Stefan goes off to be normal and join the football team on the field to be rallied.
Elena doesn't get off that easy about quitting the spirit squad, as she spins around to face Caroline, Cheerleader Assassin! "And you're not in uniform because...?"
Elena: "Because I quit, biotch! By the way, that scarf makes you look like a gondola operator."
Next up on game night is the Bonfire of Football! Cause nothing riles kids up like burning things down. My brother can attest to that. Mr. Tanner tries to get the team and town more amped up with a motivational speech. You know, because he inspires his History students every day. No matter what Mr. T says, Tyler's still pissed. Stefan being dubbed the Timberwolves' Messiah ain't helping. I know! Let's go beat up on Elena's younger brother--who happens to be drinking alcohol on school grounds. (Jeremy: "I'm hardcore! Hardcore!")
Watching the bonfire fired Jeremy up and he throws the first punch. It's on bitch! And it isn't long before Jeremy's curled up in the fetal position, letting Tyler whale on him like there's no tomorrow. For Jeremy, there may not be. Since that's his girlfriend's younger brother, Stefan goes to break it up. He manages to pull Tyler off the pipsqueak. Oh, Second Wind Jeremy breaks through. He grabs the broken Jack Daniels bottle and lunges towards Tyler. Jeremy ends up swiping Stefan. Not good, man. First rule of fighting, don't antagonize the vampire that can snap your neck in the blink of an eye.
The fight disperses once Elena steps into the picture. Matt drags a raging Tyler off and Jeremy stumbles off yelling about how hardcore he is. Unlike Stefan and Matt's moment of testosterone unifying, I don't think Tyler and Jeremy's exchange of blows is going to result in them having sleepovers. Just a hunch. Stefan's injury is just a flesh wound. His self healing is also nifty, sealing the gapping wound when Elena comes to check on it. No matter how many times you say that nothing's wrong with you, Stefan, the less believable you sound.
Elena wasn't made into a believer. She goes up to ask Bonnie straight up what that "bad mojo" really was when she touched Stefan. In another moment of bad timing, Bonnie is no longer leading the Stefan is a Freak Brigade. Turns out that awkward dinner worked out. Stefan probably impressed Bonnie with the compliment about her Salem witch heritage. Still, Bonnie's loyalties do lie with Elena and she tells her what the vision felt like, since it wasn't available in cinematic viewing.
Bonnie: "When I touched Stefan, it was a feeling, and it vibrated through me, and it was cold and it...it was death. What I imagined death to be like."
Oh, the death warning we Vampire Diaries readers have been waiting for. In the book, it was a possessed Bonnie warning Elena directly that death was coming for her. TV!Bonnie just interpreted her feelings to be death. Stefan = Death. I'm sure that's not going to make Elena run away in the other direction.
The power of Stefan's Necklace of Great Importance makes Elena stick around. She just needs to make a quick stop at her car.
Elena: "Oh, hi, Damon."
Damon is, and I am not lying because it is in italics, "hiding from Caroline" and proceeds to complain about Caroline because she's too much of a talker. That is something I would like to see, considering Damon likes to do a lot of talking. Damon's ripping apart of Caroline isn't appreciated by Elena, who's been Caroline's friend since the first grade. Elena calls Damon out on being an instigator of uncomfortableness. "You wouldn't put an alternate meaning behind everything you say." Damon retaliates by bringing up that this is all sexual tension between the two. He even makes a comment that Elena probably dreams about him at night. Real subtle, Damon. So is trying to mind freak Elena into kissing you. Elena gives him a hard slap heard around the Mystic Falls' stadium.
Oh, but that's not all: Elena has the balls to snap back, "I don't know what happened in your past, but let's get one thing straight. I am NOT Katherine!" and storms off.
Is it time for football yet? Nope, but we do have time for Matt to extend another olive branch in Stefan's direction for defending Elena's little brother. He even offers the Handshake of Friendship. Aww, Matt and Stefan may be all right in the end.
Of course, Damon has to show up and spew hate all over the whole thing. Turns out that conspicuous necklace Stefan gave Elena is chock full of Vervain: Vampire Mind Freak Repellant, Extra Strong. Another point for the book plot translation to the silver screen. Anything else fun going to happen tonight?
Damon's nursing the slap imprint Elena left on his face as well as his bruised ego. He starts spouting off about seducing her " the old fashion way" whatever that means or "I could just eat her." Stefan feels macho in his uniform and tells Damon he isn't going to hurt Elena because he knows he can't. It isn't as awesome as Stefan's "At least I'll be free of you" speech he gave Damon last week. Stefan is holding onto the hope Damon still has a form of humanity inside of him because he hasn’t killed Stefan in all the years they’ve been playing vampire. Damon’s just pretending to be this horrible monster. (Hahaha, Damon, you've gots humanity!) It’s soooo obvious that Damon is still holding a candle to Katherine. Man, this Katherine girl must have been one of those "I'll try anything once" type of girls.
Damon is aghast.
Damon: "Nuh huh."
Stefan: "Uh huh."
Damon: "Nuh huh times infinity."
Stefan: "Uh huh times infinity plus one."
Damon: "Oh yeah?!"
Then, Damon shows just how much humanity he has by...OH SHIT! He attacks Mr. Tanner! What?! I thought Mr. T would make it to Halloween. I was hoping for that. I really liked how Mr. Tanner bit it in the novels: Bonnie's Druid Room in the Haunted House, Mr. Tanner's the human sacrifice, Damon eats him and the kids don't realize it until Mr. Tanner doesn't jump up to scare them. Damon just attacks him out in the open? And on game night?! What the fuck, Damon?!
While I'm hoping that Mr. Tanner is simply playing dead, we venture into the boy's locker room. Eww...gross... Matt is done with Tyler and bitches at him for fighting with Jeremy because that's his (Matt's) girlfriend's younger brother.
Tyler: "Dude, we have bigger issues here if you're still calling Elena your girlfriend. She dumped your ass for our town’s football Messiah."
Angry, Matt storms out of the locker. He stumbles upon Mr. Tanner's body.
Matt: "Well, at least I might pass History this year."
Like all mysterious attacks, animal control is brought out. Mr. Tanner's body is wheeled away. The Mystic Falls' student body is actually sadden over Mr. Tanner's death; even though, he was a total bastard in History class. Even asshats don't deserve to die is what I'm assuming the moral of the story is. Also, Miss Bonnie, if you have a strange fascination with numbers, do keep a look out for those numbers. Unlike Lost, the mystery numbers come to fruition sooner rather than later.
Mr. Tanner's obituary is going to read: "Mr. Tanner, Dick of all History Teachers and Football Coach, was found mauled by an animal at the location of Building 8, by a BMW with the licence plate FHT 14, and at the corner of parking spot 22...."
Bonnie: "Oh, noes! I killed our History teacher!"
The football game is cancelled, wah, wah. The Mystic Falls Timberwolves probably wouldn't have broken out into Beyonce's "Single Ladies" choreography, which is how I like my football. (Shout out to Glee!) It's not all bad at Mystic Falls High that evening. Vicki was turned on by Jeremy getting a smack down from Tyler and lets Jeremy know she wasn't into him because he sold drugs. Yay, team?
As if watching your brother eat your History teacher was the top of your shitty day, Stefan has to contend with Elena asking questions about his cut palm and the overtly literal music playing in the background. That's got fill up a few pages in your journal, Stefan. I did not give you permission to break it out and start writing, god dammit! "I was wrong. There's nothing human left in Damon. No good, no kindness, no love. Only a monster who must be stopped." Psst, Stefan, I know where Damon is. He's doing his best Edward Cullen impression and watching your girlfriend sleep. I will say, it seems like you hit a nerve with your humanity speech, S., because Damon looks remorseful. Oh, and he's stroking Elena's cheek. You don't mind, do you? You do? THEN STOP WRITING IN YOUR FUCKING DIARY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
In the end, I'm still miffed at all the plot throwing done, and then the promo for next week has the nerve to make it sound like Katherine actually died in a fire that appears to have been started by the towns' descendants?! I'm still getting over Mr. Tanner's uncool demise. This is your final warning, VD. Don't try to mind freak me either. Note to self: Stock up on vervain so I don't become a puppet of Kevin Williamson.
Episode 4: "Family Ties"
I hate to break it to you, VD, but you don't have the luxury to have an off-night. You're the new kid on the block. You've got a lot to prove. No more sliding.
Last night's episode is what I like to call, "let's throw plot points from the first two books at the audience and see what sticks to the kitchen wall." It was an interesting night. I'll leave it at that:
Previous Episode
Previously on this vampire fest, Bonnie predicted doom, Jeremy is still a boy, Aunt Jenna is carrying the teen angst for Elena, Elena and Stefan kissed as The Comet of Doom! sailed over their heads to bring good karma their relationship (yeah, right!), and Damon bit Caroline in the
Ever had one of those mornings where you wake up and think, "Maybe I shouldn't have invited that guy who mysteriously showed up next to my car, and who has a penchant for biting really hard, into my bedroom? Y’know, the guy sleeping right next to, bare chest and all."
Caroline's having one of those mornings when she wakes to a really nasty hickey on her neck and one of the Salvatore vampire bros sleeping next to her. The events of the evening flood back into her mind, making her act like any sensible girl. She's going to try and sneak out of the room quietly. Caroline does pretty well, until that noisy doorknob in her bedroom slows her down and wakes Damon up. I'll give Caroline credit for trying to defend herself with her lamp. Course, we're dealing with vampires here, and it isn't long before Damon's fangs come out and he goes to finish what he started.
While Damon has his breakfast, all the other Mystic Falls kiddies are at school. Bonnie is trying to tell Elena that Stefan is bad news ("bad, bad" as she puts it) and Elena needs to take the relationship slow. Elena's eyes go all funny at the news Stefan's a bad boy. Not the best plan of attack, Bonnie dear. Especially when Elena tells her that Stefan is her shining light and has made her want to be the Elena Gilbert she was before her parents' deaths. Please, please tell me it has to do with ruling the school as uber-Popular Girl.
Elena's love life may be taking off, but the Littlest Gilbert still cannot get a break. Vicki rubs even more salt into the wounds by pulling the "Let's be friends" approach with Jeremy. That'll give him a reason to drink tonight. "Were you sleeping with me for the drugs?" Based on the look that's on Vicki's faces, I would say yes, Jeremy. Yes she was.
Caroline hasn't shown up to school or answered her phone, making Bonnie worried. (I vote for draining the lake, who's with me?) Bonnie can have visions about a black crow, and yet, when it comes to her friends, she can't figure out that something's eating them. Go figure. Stefan is too concerned with Bonnie not liking him to worry about Caroline’s disappearance. Elena decides to settle the issue Bonnie has with Stefan and invites Stefan over for dinner with her and Bonnie. There's a moment where I expect Stefan to say that he doesn’t eat. It's cut off by Tyler being a dick and chucking a football at the back of Stefan's back of the head. If you thought the slo-speed of the True Blood vampires was a bad use of CGI, a hovering football as Stefan whips around to catch it, is not that much better.
Elena missed the dazzling show of lame special effects and tells Stefan he should join the school's football team. Yeah...running around other humans with the permission to tackle and hit them is not the greatest idea in the world for your vampire boyfriend, Elena. I understand you want everyone to get along. I just don't think your firing on all cylinders by making your current boyfriend try out for the football team your recent ex-boyfriend and his jerkwad friend is on. Tyler did try--and failed miserably--to chuck a ball at Stefan a couple minutes ago.
Elena isn't giving up. She badgers Stefan in History class about joining the team. Stefan: "I can't...I'm a loner..." You're weird too, Stefan, because Mr. Tanner--unamused with Elena and Stefan's football pow-wow--challenges Stefan to a Historical Date-Off! Let the games begin!
Mr. Tanner: When was the Kennedy Assassination?
Stefan: 1963
Mr. Tanner: D-Day?
Stefan: 1944
Mr. Tanner: The War of 1812?
Stefan: ... 1812?
Mr. Tanner: When did Bram Stoker first publish Dracula?
Stefan: 1897
Mr. Tanner: The end of the Korean War?
Stefan: 1953
Mr. Tanner: Aha! Wrong, loser! It ended in 1952!
Stefan: No, you're wrong, now get out of my face!
Mr. Tanner: is totally wrong Gah! The Korean War gets me every time!
After school, we find out why Elena wanted Stefan to join the football team. She's a cheerleader! That would make Stefan and Elena the football jock and cheerleader girl couple, ruling the school and looking down at all the other plebeians. Maybe I was wrong about Elena and she truly does have dreams of being Ms. Popular. Bonnie's happiness to see Elena at cheerleading practice is short lived, after Elena says she's planning a dinner for Bonnie to get to know Stefan. The bad feeling she got from Stefan last week--which she's yet to share with the entire class--makes Bonnie non-too eager to share any space with Stefan. Could she possibly know what Stefan is? Also, Where in the World is Caroline? is still going strong.
And how's our favorite animal sucker after his daunting task of pawning Mr. Tanner in front of all his students? Why, Stefan's all bushy tailed and wide eyed and...wants to join the football team? Deploy double take.
Zoinks! We're actually going to follow a plot moment from the novels? A tiny one with a completely different set-up--because Stefan only joined the football team to avoid Elena in the book, since she reminded him too much of Katherine (Woe!) and he couldn't deal with it, and he was just looking to get away from her. Look, I'm not going to complain. At this point, I'll take what I can get if it means The Vampire Diaries is going to try and follow its book series. So, he wants to join the Timberwolves to impress Elena? Big deal. He’s pissing off Mr. Tanner in the process. Yes, kids, the cruel Gods of Irony (or Gods of Pure Entertainment Value) have struck again and the asshat History teacher Stefan just showed up in class happens to be the football coach. Mr. Tanner allows Stefan try out, though. He is all for seeing Stefan get knocked on his ass. So is Tyler...
Finally, Caroline shows up. ("Call off the search in the woods! We've found her!") Caroline comes rolling in...with Damon...in his spiffy Mustang. Showing no signs of vamping, Caroline struts in as head cheerleader. "I got the other brother. I hope you don't mind." She's also sporting a new scarf from the Vampire Bangers 2009 Fall collection around her neck. I wish I was kidding; but it is sort of awesome in its lameness.
Elena's distracted from Caroline's chic scarf because Stefan's taking the field. Not surprisingly, Stefan rules on the field. Glee needed a fancy kicker for their sucky football team; Mystic Falls needed a vampire. It's like designated Improve Your High School's Football Team week. Although, Stefan isn't so indestructible as Tyler makes an alpha dog move and tackles Stefan down to the ground. Mid-air, I might add. Tyler manages to dislocate Stefan's pinky--a minor inconvenience when you're a vampire. Matt offers a partial mea culpa to Stefan. What is it with men and bonding through beating the crap out of each other? We girls don't become best friends over the half price bin at Victoria's Secret. It is every woman for herself in there. And there's a hell of a lot more tackling and hair pulling and scratching going on.
After a rousing game of tackle football, the last thing Stefan needs is Damon drama. So...that's what he gets when he comes home! Stefan walks into his room to find Damon reading his
At Elena's house, Aunt Jenna's off doing college...stuff and won't be seen in this episode. Yay, no parental angst this week! Bonnie gives us psychic angst by telling Elena about her prowess for predicting commercials. Her psychic-ness is also on full display as she plays the What's Behind Drawer Number One? home game. Oh! It's the serving spoon Elena was looking for. It doesn’t end there. Bonnie's obsessed with numbers: 8, 14, 22. What could they be? This week's lotto numbers? The date Katherine died? The combination to Stefan's lock on his locker? It's like a low end version of Lost's mystical numbers.
Aaaand...the awkward dinner is underway! Stefan made the football team (shocker!). Elena's thrilled, Bonnie's not impressed. What can we do to spice this up? I know, I know! Let's make it even more awkward by bringing up Bonnie's psychic abilities. Stefan's apparently read the books and tries to bring up the Celtic Druids to explain Bonnie's possible lineage. Bonnie has not read the books, and claims her abilities come from the Salem witches. It could be even more awkward than it already is, but Stefan attempts to retract his earlier Druids statement by talking about the Salem witches. "Salem witches are heroic examples of individualism and nonconformity." Bonnie's smitten, Elena thinks the dinner is the best idea she's ever had, and Stefan silently congratulates himself on pulling that Salem witch crap out of his ass.
The night's going so well, nothing can ruin it! Except for Caroline shows up on Elena's doorstep with a desert. Oh, and with Damon, too. The night's about to get even more awkward...
First though, Elena needs to invite Damon in. Stefan does his best to maneuver around that. It’s in that "oh, so subtle" way nobody understands and Elena invites Damon in. I'm gonna guess that the Gilbert house isn't mostly rebuilt from the Civil War with the living room and Elena's room being the only remains of the original house; thus making the house technically two houses that Damon needed to be invited into. Pity, because I really liked that loophole in the book.
Well, if it was true, that little gag won't pay off, as we come to unpleasant scene in the living room between Elena, Stefan, Damon, Bonnie, and Caroline. It's a shame Jeremy drank all the alcohol in the house. Everyone looks like they could use a stiff drink. Caroline tries to break the tension by talking about her role as Head Cheerleader and the power she beholds. Both Stefan and Damon roll their eyes at Caroline's "super ability" to move Elena to the back of the cheerleader formation. Damon, get a hand on your girl before Elena claws her eyes out.
Damon finally does get a hold on Caroline...and brings up his and Stefan's past. "Stefan and I have watched every single person we care about die." Well, that's a smooth move, Damon. Could this have anything to do with Katherine? It does, as her name is invoked shortly after. It's Awkward Night at the Gilbert's!
We're given a quick break and join Jeremy at The Grove, drinking his liquor through a straw. Not getting all his anger out at football practice, Tyler tries to instigate a fight with Jeremy about Vicki. It doesn't go anywhere. I'm at the point of yelling at the television to stop this territory dance and have one of them already drag Vicki by her hair to their cave. Matt is on my side, and reams Vicki out for being a major ho-bag.
Back at Chez Gilbert, Damon corners Elena in the kitchen after playing Quick Hands McCool with the glass cup. Um, Stefan? You're really going to let your demonic brother talk to your girlfriend in the back of the house in private. I'm just sayin', Edward might not be on the football team (did Forks even have a football team?), but he always knew where his girlfriend is. AT ALL TIMES! I relax once Damon spoils any kitchen action with bringing up Katherine. Yes, she was the one he referred to as dying and Elena asks how. Damon claims she died in the fire. I hope he means "fire" as in the great big ball of fire that's called the sun. Don't not mess around with Katherine's death, Kevin Williamson. That is the ONE thing I will not--nor will many fans of the books I believe--tolerate.
Damon's pressing his luck with bringing up Katherine at every chance he gets, because Elena throws it back in his face. "So, which one of you [Stefan and Damon] dated her first?" Oh, snap! With the Katherine ship sunk, Damon moves on to coaxing Elena to drop cheerleading. I guess Damon doesn't want Elena and Stefan to rule the school...perhaps? Damon calls it a lost cause, that it isn't her. No, Damon, I think you're thinking of sexy, selfish Katherine. Katherine and Elena had a resemblance, but they are two different people. Or, did you read the books, too, Damon, and you know Elena the Cheerleader is wrong? Whatever the reason, Damon's pushing Elena to quit because she looked miserable. Elena's still trying to make her life restart to before her parents died, "Some things could matter again." One upping him again, Elena hits Damon hard when she tells him he lost Katherine with Stefan. Elena, I like your proactive, taking shit for no one motif you got going on. But, word of advice, do not piss off the vampire that likes eating humans. Thankfully, before the situation can go from bad to worse, Bonnie comes in.
In the living room, Stefan and Caroline are bonding over the Elena and Matt relationship. Stefan artfully shifts the focus onto Caroline. See, opposite of Caroline's best friends, Stefan notices that Caroline is modeling a scarf from the Vampire Boyfriends collection and brings it up. Caroline's flimsy excuse is that she has to wear it, she can't take it off, for some reason. As Stefan goes to yank it off, bad timing Damon comes in to make sure his mind freak on Caroline is still holding up. He mind freaks Caroline into going to help Elena in the kitchen so the two bros can talk. This should go well.
"They are people, Damon. She's not a puppet!" Stefan, you are losing credibility here. You did, after all, mind freak Vicki in the hospital last week. Why, you've got the same flexible morals as Zach. In the course of the conversation, we learn Damon has a cheerleader fetish as he often refers to Elena as "Cheerleader" a few times. Oh, I see what you're doing, VD producers. You're showing that Damon only sees Elena as an object, compared to Stefan's true love for her. Bravo! It still doesn't make up for the plot changes.
Since Damon now has an open invitation to Elena's house, Stefan steps up his protection of Elena by spending the night. Oh, hot make out session. Oh, Elena's sporting the White Bra of Virtue to symbolize her pureness. You know, Paul Wesley's abs haven't been seen at all during this episode. Let's fix this. Oh, my god! VD stole a move from The Craft by swiping out Stefan's face for Damon's! Ahhh! screams Elena, and the whole thing dissolves into reality. Yes, folks, it was a dream (like I totally called last week). There is, however, a level of concern that shouldn’t go unchecked. Elena is stumbling around her room and that damn black crow omen is hanging outside an open window.
Quick body check after the break. Elena appears to have no bite marks on her. I don't know what's going on underneath the bath towel, though. Maybe Damon bit her on the thigh? Aside from the weird dream she had, Elena has to answer another and more dire question: To cheer or not to cheer?
What does Stefan do to get ready for the big game. He emo-plodes. "There must be a shred of humanity left inside my brother. I keep hoping, but how do I make him see it?" Stefan, nooooo! Step away from the journal!
Pep Rally, ahoy! (I do not miss high school one bit, I'm telling you.) Elena crushes the dream Stefan has of being the classical and normal jock-cheerleader couple, by announcing she's quit the cheerleading squad. Apparently that Stefan-Damon dream last night messed her up. Stefan's all whatever and "Hey, look I was wondering if you'd wear this." Whoa, whoa, let's not get too hasty Stefan. Proposing to Elena to starve off Damon didn't work too well in the books. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You've only known the girl a couple weeks. No, stop with your "It's all for you!" spins, Stefan. Do not give Elena an engagement...necklace? Oh, it's a necklace. I'm sure Elena would’ve been fine with a class ring from 1960 when you were a high schooler then. But, sure, a necklace is okay.
Stefan presents Elena an antique looking necklace. Is it Katherine's Gem of Amara necklace? Does it mean something more lies ahead for our two love birds? Will Damon be pissed? Elena notices a herbal smell coming out of the necklace. It's called "Ode de Fishy", Elena, and Stefan's reeking of it. With what seems to be his only important duty of the day, Stefan goes off to be normal and join the football team on the field to be rallied.
Elena doesn't get off that easy about quitting the spirit squad, as she spins around to face Caroline, Cheerleader Assassin! "And you're not in uniform because...?"
Elena: "Because I quit, biotch! By the way, that scarf makes you look like a gondola operator."
Next up on game night is the Bonfire of Football! Cause nothing riles kids up like burning things down. My brother can attest to that. Mr. Tanner tries to get the team and town more amped up with a motivational speech. You know, because he inspires his History students every day. No matter what Mr. T says, Tyler's still pissed. Stefan being dubbed the Timberwolves' Messiah ain't helping. I know! Let's go beat up on Elena's younger brother--who happens to be drinking alcohol on school grounds. (Jeremy: "I'm hardcore! Hardcore!")
Watching the bonfire fired Jeremy up and he throws the first punch. It's on bitch! And it isn't long before Jeremy's curled up in the fetal position, letting Tyler whale on him like there's no tomorrow. For Jeremy, there may not be. Since that's his girlfriend's younger brother, Stefan goes to break it up. He manages to pull Tyler off the pipsqueak. Oh, Second Wind Jeremy breaks through. He grabs the broken Jack Daniels bottle and lunges towards Tyler. Jeremy ends up swiping Stefan. Not good, man. First rule of fighting, don't antagonize the vampire that can snap your neck in the blink of an eye.
The fight disperses once Elena steps into the picture. Matt drags a raging Tyler off and Jeremy stumbles off yelling about how hardcore he is. Unlike Stefan and Matt's moment of testosterone unifying, I don't think Tyler and Jeremy's exchange of blows is going to result in them having sleepovers. Just a hunch. Stefan's injury is just a flesh wound. His self healing is also nifty, sealing the gapping wound when Elena comes to check on it. No matter how many times you say that nothing's wrong with you, Stefan, the less believable you sound.
Elena wasn't made into a believer. She goes up to ask Bonnie straight up what that "bad mojo" really was when she touched Stefan. In another moment of bad timing, Bonnie is no longer leading the Stefan is a Freak Brigade. Turns out that awkward dinner worked out. Stefan probably impressed Bonnie with the compliment about her Salem witch heritage. Still, Bonnie's loyalties do lie with Elena and she tells her what the vision felt like, since it wasn't available in cinematic viewing.
Bonnie: "When I touched Stefan, it was a feeling, and it vibrated through me, and it was cold and it...it was death. What I imagined death to be like."
Oh, the death warning we Vampire Diaries readers have been waiting for. In the book, it was a possessed Bonnie warning Elena directly that death was coming for her. TV!Bonnie just interpreted her feelings to be death. Stefan = Death. I'm sure that's not going to make Elena run away in the other direction.
The power of Stefan's Necklace of Great Importance makes Elena stick around. She just needs to make a quick stop at her car.
Elena: "Oh, hi, Damon."
Damon is, and I am not lying because it is in italics, "hiding from Caroline" and proceeds to complain about Caroline because she's too much of a talker. That is something I would like to see, considering Damon likes to do a lot of talking. Damon's ripping apart of Caroline isn't appreciated by Elena, who's been Caroline's friend since the first grade. Elena calls Damon out on being an instigator of uncomfortableness. "You wouldn't put an alternate meaning behind everything you say." Damon retaliates by bringing up that this is all sexual tension between the two. He even makes a comment that Elena probably dreams about him at night. Real subtle, Damon. So is trying to mind freak Elena into kissing you. Elena gives him a hard slap heard around the Mystic Falls' stadium.
Oh, but that's not all: Elena has the balls to snap back, "I don't know what happened in your past, but let's get one thing straight. I am NOT Katherine!" and storms off.
Is it time for football yet? Nope, but we do have time for Matt to extend another olive branch in Stefan's direction for defending Elena's little brother. He even offers the Handshake of Friendship. Aww, Matt and Stefan may be all right in the end.
Of course, Damon has to show up and spew hate all over the whole thing. Turns out that conspicuous necklace Stefan gave Elena is chock full of Vervain: Vampire Mind Freak Repellant, Extra Strong. Another point for the book plot translation to the silver screen. Anything else fun going to happen tonight?
Damon's nursing the slap imprint Elena left on his face as well as his bruised ego. He starts spouting off about seducing her " the old fashion way" whatever that means or "I could just eat her." Stefan feels macho in his uniform and tells Damon he isn't going to hurt Elena because he knows he can't. It isn't as awesome as Stefan's "At least I'll be free of you" speech he gave Damon last week. Stefan is holding onto the hope Damon still has a form of humanity inside of him because he hasn’t killed Stefan in all the years they’ve been playing vampire. Damon’s just pretending to be this horrible monster. (Hahaha, Damon, you've gots humanity!) It’s soooo obvious that Damon is still holding a candle to Katherine. Man, this Katherine girl must have been one of those "I'll try anything once" type of girls.
Damon is aghast.
Damon: "Nuh huh."
Stefan: "Uh huh."
Damon: "Nuh huh times infinity."
Stefan: "Uh huh times infinity plus one."
Damon: "Oh yeah?!"
Then, Damon shows just how much humanity he has by...OH SHIT! He attacks Mr. Tanner! What?! I thought Mr. T would make it to Halloween. I was hoping for that. I really liked how Mr. Tanner bit it in the novels: Bonnie's Druid Room in the Haunted House, Mr. Tanner's the human sacrifice, Damon eats him and the kids don't realize it until Mr. Tanner doesn't jump up to scare them. Damon just attacks him out in the open? And on game night?! What the fuck, Damon?!
While I'm hoping that Mr. Tanner is simply playing dead, we venture into the boy's locker room. Eww...gross... Matt is done with Tyler and bitches at him for fighting with Jeremy because that's his (Matt's) girlfriend's younger brother.
Tyler: "Dude, we have bigger issues here if you're still calling Elena your girlfriend. She dumped your ass for our town’s football Messiah."
Angry, Matt storms out of the locker. He stumbles upon Mr. Tanner's body.
Matt: "Well, at least I might pass History this year."
Like all mysterious attacks, animal control is brought out. Mr. Tanner's body is wheeled away. The Mystic Falls' student body is actually sadden over Mr. Tanner's death; even though, he was a total bastard in History class. Even asshats don't deserve to die is what I'm assuming the moral of the story is. Also, Miss Bonnie, if you have a strange fascination with numbers, do keep a look out for those numbers. Unlike Lost, the mystery numbers come to fruition sooner rather than later.
Mr. Tanner's obituary is going to read: "Mr. Tanner, Dick of all History Teachers and Football Coach, was found mauled by an animal at the location of Building 8, by a BMW with the licence plate FHT 14, and at the corner of parking spot 22...."
Bonnie: "Oh, noes! I killed our History teacher!"
The football game is cancelled, wah, wah. The Mystic Falls Timberwolves probably wouldn't have broken out into Beyonce's "Single Ladies" choreography, which is how I like my football. (Shout out to Glee!) It's not all bad at Mystic Falls High that evening. Vicki was turned on by Jeremy getting a smack down from Tyler and lets Jeremy know she wasn't into him because he sold drugs. Yay, team?
As if watching your brother eat your History teacher was the top of your shitty day, Stefan has to contend with Elena asking questions about his cut palm and the overtly literal music playing in the background. That's got fill up a few pages in your journal, Stefan. I did not give you permission to break it out and start writing, god dammit! "I was wrong. There's nothing human left in Damon. No good, no kindness, no love. Only a monster who must be stopped." Psst, Stefan, I know where Damon is. He's doing his best Edward Cullen impression and watching your girlfriend sleep. I will say, it seems like you hit a nerve with your humanity speech, S., because Damon looks remorseful. Oh, and he's stroking Elena's cheek. You don't mind, do you? You do? THEN STOP WRITING IN YOUR FUCKING DIARY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
In the end, I'm still miffed at all the plot throwing done, and then the promo for next week has the nerve to make it sound like Katherine actually died in a fire that appears to have been started by the towns' descendants?! I'm still getting over Mr. Tanner's uncool demise. This is your final warning, VD. Don't try to mind freak me either. Note to self: Stock up on vervain so I don't become a puppet of Kevin Williamson.
Episode 4: "Family Ties"
